Bizarre Bazaar – Even More Strange Items Return

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“Are you still here?  It is good to be a dedicated shopper, but closing hours draw near.  A busy body must always prepare for the next day’s wave of customers and curators.  But, Zam’Dul is patient!  You shall be helped in finding what you seek.  Rest assured, the store likely has it.  Now, do follow and be shown many fine wares!  But, please do so quickly…  Pushing customers after closing is such a bother.”

Welcome back to another revisiting of the bizarre bazaar!  As always, Zam’Dul awaits customers with a fine assortment of majestic and obscure magical treasures.  Sure, he’s looking to close down for the night, but mark my words, he has plenty of oddities to showcase as always!  Sure, some seem familiar, but others are new sights to behold.

Author’s Note: It’s kinda ironic and hypocritical of me.  I’m not too content with reprints of spells and whatnot in the currently-new Xanathar’s Guide to Everything.  And yet, here I am, posting updates of older items I made in the past.  Not really a statement, just an observation.  Anyway, I hope these updates address some mistakes I made in the past, while highlighting which items I really liked a lot!

Also, I hit 250 posts!  Hooray!

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Internet Trash Spells

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Memes.  They’re garbage.  But, we love them… for some reason.  Sometimes such ideas spread so fast, as per the theory that named them, that they reach other planes.  Such planar scholars witness these cross-dimensional ideas and sculpt them into something else entirely.  And thus, new spells are created from what started as a simple idea!  These mad sages have provided four of their latest creations.

Author’s Note:  Sure, I’ve done stuff like this in the past…  But, why did I do this?  Also, these spells are likely unbalanced, as they were made as spur of the moment jokes.

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Roguish Archetype – The Practical Joker

“Batter Up!”

A bane among their compatriots and a blessing all the same.  The Practical Joker is a master of mischief and mayhem.  Perhaps they’re creators of comedy, perhaps their sheer power of annoyance is a weapon all its own.  Either way, it’s not likely they’ll be trusted by many people and for good reason.

This isn’t to say these cheery pranksters are forces for antagonism.  On the other hand, many are quart jesters or comical folk in general.  Many travel around, hoping to bring amusement… usually at someone’s expense.  Assuming they have a sense of humor, they’re often in on the joke.  However, some practical jokers take their craft too far.  They become malicious, seeing downright sadistic acts as comical.  These people become feared as villains in their own right.

Author’s Note: The Muscle Wizard didn’t turn out how I had hoped.  It was a one shot joke based on a one shot joke anyway, so no harm done.  Also, this sub-class is built around the idea of manipulating enemies and making light of a situation.  This archetype is not intended for more serious games.  Likewise, this archetype shouldn’t be used as an excuse to troll your fellow players.  That’s a reason why Kender tend to be banned at a lot of tables.  Also, better late than never, right?

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Muscle Wizard – An Absurist Wizard School for D&D 5th Edition

No explanation needed

Some wizards are driven by specific arcane studies, while others want to augment an aspect of life or society through the powers of magic.  And then there’s others that want magic to augment their bodies in a unique way.  Some suggest the monks are driven to alter themselves through spiritual teachings.  Many mages have witnessed their teachings and have applied similar principles to magical study.  And thus, the “Muscle Wizard” was born.

To a Muscle Wizard, physical fitness is just as important as mastering arcane studies.  While they are not as enduring as warriors, the Muscle Wizard is just as extraordinary in their ability to dish out absolute physical punishment on top of magical craft.  Many go on to become mentors for those who wish to fuse martial prowess with arcane arts.  In fact, they’re among the first attempts at doing so.  However, their history likely goes back to trade lines between mageocratic settlements meeting with monks who ended up sharing disciplines, philosophies and spiritual teachings.  As the two concepts began to mingle, they merged into a style all their own.  While not as able to master spiritual disciplines of the self and not as able to master specific aspects of magic, this arcane school is more than happy to throw a magical fist in the face of anyone who dares to belittle it.

 

Author’s Note:  WE TAKE A BREAK FROM OUR GOTHIC THEME FOR AN IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN!  Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone!  As always, I love making absurdist and silly posts every year.  And by all means, this one is no exception.  Originally, I was creating a hybrid of the Fighter and Monk to create a more martial and less mystical brawler class for 5E.  Sadly, that idea fell apart.  A ways later, I decided to make a mock write up for the Muscle Wizard as a joke.  Somehow, the meme stuck and became this year’s April Fools post.  How about that?

That said, a word of warning.  This subclass was tinkered with on a whim, rather than made with absolute balance in mind.  Because of that, it might be a tad on the unbalanced side… a sort of beefed up Bladesinger if you will.  Needless to say, I might revisit this at some point and use it as inspiration.

 

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The Ice Cream Bunny – A Surreal Abomination for D&D 5th Edition

“Oh, here comes the Ice Cream Bunny!” – Rifftrax Live, 2015

Hailing from a demiplane known as “Pirate’s Land”, this creature is said to be lost to the ages.  After his comrades fought valiantly against a business-minded mousefolk (whose name cannot be addressed), he and his allies were scattered to the winds and fell to obscurity.  Now his kingdom in Florida is owned by his squeaky nemesis, and he was nowhere to be found…  But tales of his past encounters with St. Nicholas, the Duke of Winter began to surface.  As attention was brought to his past exploits, he began to surface once more as a mere shadow of his former glory.  Without a home and without a purpose, the Ice Cream Bunny wanders to places of joy and renders them mad.  However, this is not intentional, as he just wants to join the happiness.  In the end, he only spreads bedlam and terror wherever he travels.

An encounter with The Ice Cream Bunny is indeed a disturbing one.  Records of his past prove that he was an intimidating, but well intending creature.  Coupling that with his present mania makes him for a chilling foe.  And worst of all, he doesn’t realize he’s causing harm.  It’s hard to describe the Ice Cream Bunny, as many victims go insane upon getting too close to him.  He’s a white colored creature that looks more like a cartoon-like distortion of what someone would assume a rabbit looks like.  It’s questionable if this creature is even related to actual rabbits at all or is some monstrosity that just happens to have some minor resemblance.

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  I wanted to make an homage to this downright terrifying character from an awful movie.  Now, where did I see this holiday horror?  In both of Rifftrax’s take on Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, of course!  Now, without the riffers doing their thing, the film is almost impossible to sit through.  With that, here’s my take on this long forgotten nightmare from Christmas Past! 

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