Internet Trash Spells

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Memes.  They’re garbage.  But, we love them… for some reason.  Sometimes such ideas spread so fast, as per the theory that named them, that they reach other planes.  Such planar scholars witness these cross-dimensional ideas and sculpt them into something else entirely.  And thus, new spells are created from what started as a simple idea!  These mad sages have provided four of their latest creations.

Author’s Note:  Sure, I’ve done stuff like this in the past…  But, why did I do this?  Also, these spells are likely unbalanced, as they were made as spur of the moment jokes.

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Bizarre Bazaar Returns from the Planes! – More Planar Items

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The hustle and bustle of the market gives way to something you’ve seen before.  Ahead lies a familiar tent and sitting underneath is a figure wearing spacefaring gear over robes.  Their head tilts in your direction, acknowledging your presence and expecting reaction.  Upon getting closer, the creature straightens its back as it lifts from the ground with seemingly little effort.  Facing you, they extend a cloth covered arm in greeting, it is Zam’dul the Plane Traveler.  The thick breathing from a chamber in his mask lightens up as you can hear sounds like a throat being cleared.

“Hail, friend!  It has been a while, has it not?  Please, do not shy away.  Since your last visit, I have procured many new items from the distant cosmos and beyond.  I open my collection for you, if you can handle a potentially steep price.”

The dusty, wrinkled merchant shuffles over as an arm extends to highlight various wares.  Much like before, you bare witness to a wide variety of truly odd looking crafts and artifacts.  Some resemble items you’ve seen in your travels, others are far too alien for you to fully comprehend.  Zam’dul surveys the crowd while ringing a strangely shaped bell, hoping to garner interest.

Author’s Note: We’re slowly closing out our planar theme for the time being.  However, I figured it would be fun to return to another installment of Bizarre Bazaars!  This time, I’m going back to my roots and doing another planar theme, including the truly bizarre and perhaps even horrifying aspects of the planes.  But, if you wanted normal items, you wouldn’t have come here.  As a bonus, I’ve converted over some items from Planescape Torment.  No matter, take it away, Zam’dul.

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Bloodlines of the Planes! – More Planetouched PCs!

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Planar-based parties are weird.

Planetouched.  Such a term can be used to describe humanoids that have an ancestry shared with an extraplanar creature.  The blood of fiends runs through a Tiefling, the blood of celestials in a Aasimar and the blood of elementals in Genasi.  But, these are but a handful of creatures gifted by strange sources lurking in the known multiverse.

Among their ranks are other creatures, either blessed or cursed by their strange bloodlines.

  • The Changeling is the result of a union between a mundane humanoid and an ancient magical creature empowered by corrupting sorcery, a hag or a bodach.
  • Dream-Touched are born from the powers of two fallen archfey; one of pleasant dreams and one from nightmares.
  • The Eldritch-Touched is an unfortunate creation of mad cultists, victims of dark gods and overly curious lunatics.
  • Fey Dog Barkers are the result of Fey Dogs who wandered too far into the Maddening Winds of Pandemonium… those who didn’t go insane were changed, perhaps for the better.
  • Finally, the Vitalborn are a race of creatures much like the Genasi.  Their elemental nature, however, comes from the Positive and Negative planes.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Not 1, but 5 new races!  (Well, 3 new races, a sub race and a remake)  I wanted to continue my planar/weird fantasy theme with some more player options.  Most of this started with a player wanting a hag-blooded tiefling in an early 5e game… which didn’t quite feel thematically right to me.  Though, it ended with the loss of famous meme “Gabe the Dog”… otherwise, the sub-race wouldn’t exist.  Granted, Fey Dog was a meme-based joke creation to begin with.

All in all, I got carried away with a whole assortment of planar themed racial options at your disposal!  While they need some playtesting (and some more than others), I’m still happy I managed to get all of this done.  Enjoy.

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Muscle Wizard – An Absurist Wizard School for D&D 5th Edition

Edit 2018: This is made as a joke, rather than a serious post made with extraneous effort.  Please check out my more serious posts I’ve made recently.  I assure you that they’re much better.  That said, enjoy and have a laugh over this too!

 

No explanation needed

Some wizards are driven by specific arcane studies, while others want to augment an aspect of life or society through the powers of magic.  And then there’s others that want magic to augment their bodies in a unique way.  Some suggest the monks are driven to alter themselves through spiritual teachings.  Many mages have witnessed their teachings and have applied similar principles to magical study.  And thus, the “Muscle Wizard” was born.

To a Muscle Wizard, physical fitness is just as important as mastering arcane studies.  While they are not as enduring as warriors, the Muscle Wizard is just as extraordinary in their ability to dish out absolute physical punishment on top of magical craft.  Many go on to become mentors for those who wish to fuse martial prowess with arcane arts.  In fact, they’re among the first attempts at doing so.  However, their history likely goes back to trade lines between mageocratic settlements meeting with monks who ended up sharing disciplines, philosophies and spiritual teachings.  As the two concepts began to mingle, they merged into a style all their own.  While not as able to master spiritual disciplines of the self and not as able to master specific aspects of magic, this arcane school is more than happy to throw a magical fist in the face of anyone who dares to belittle it.

 

Author’s Note:  WE TAKE A BREAK FROM OUR GOTHIC THEME FOR AN IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN!  Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone!  As always, I love making absurdist and silly posts every year.  And by all means, this one is no exception.  Originally, I was creating a hybrid of the Fighter and Monk to create a more martial and less mystical brawler class for 5E.  Sadly, that idea fell apart.  A ways later, I decided to make a mock write up for the Muscle Wizard as a joke.  Somehow, the meme stuck and became this year’s April Fools post.  How about that?

That said, a word of warning.  This subclass was tinkered with on a whim, rather than made with absolute balance in mind.  Because of that, it might be a tad on the unbalanced side… a sort of beefed up Bladesinger if you will.  Needless to say, I might revisit this at some point and use it as inspiration.

Update 2018: Since this was made as a joke, I’m probably not gonna bother with this.  People around the web have made their own take and whatever, I didn’t come up with the original concept myself.  It’s an old meme.  Anyway, if you want to do something with this, have it at.

 

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The Ice Cream Bunny – A Surreal Abomination for D&D 5th Edition

“Oh, here comes the Ice Cream Bunny!” – Rifftrax Live, 2015

Hailing from a demiplane known as “Pirate’s Land”, this creature is said to be lost to the ages.  After his comrades fought valiantly against a business-minded mousefolk (whose name cannot be addressed), he and his allies were scattered to the winds and fell to obscurity.  Now his kingdom in Florida is owned by his squeaky nemesis, and he was nowhere to be found…  But tales of his past encounters with St. Nicholas, the Duke of Winter began to surface.  As attention was brought to his past exploits, he began to surface once more as a mere shadow of his former glory.  Without a home and without a purpose, the Ice Cream Bunny wanders to places of joy and renders them mad.  However, this is not intentional, as he just wants to join the happiness.  In the end, he only spreads bedlam and terror wherever he travels.

An encounter with The Ice Cream Bunny is indeed a disturbing one.  Records of his past prove that he was an intimidating, but well intending creature.  Coupling that with his present mania makes him for a chilling foe.  And worst of all, he doesn’t realize he’s causing harm.  It’s hard to describe the Ice Cream Bunny, as many victims go insane upon getting too close to him.  He’s a white colored creature that looks more like a cartoon-like distortion of what someone would assume a rabbit looks like.  It’s questionable if this creature is even related to actual rabbits at all or is some monstrosity that just happens to have some minor resemblance.

AUTHOR’S NOTE:  I wanted to make an homage to this downright terrifying character from an awful movie.  Now, where did I see this holiday horror?  In both of Rifftrax’s take on Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny, of course!  Now, without the riffers doing their thing, the film is almost impossible to sit through.  With that, here’s my take on this long forgotten nightmare from Christmas Past! 

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