Internet Trash Spells

Memes.  They’re garbage.  But, we love them… for some reason.  Sometimes such ideas spread so fast, as per the theory that named them, that they reach other planes.  Such planar scholars witness these cross-dimensional ideas and sculpt them into something else entirely.  And thus, new spells are created from what started as a simple idea!  These mad sages have provided four of their latest creations.

Author’s Note:  Sure, I’ve done stuff like this in the past…  But, why did I do this?  Also, these spells are likely unbalanced, as they were made as spur of the moment jokes.

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(April Fools!) The Next Plotline for D&D 5th Edition!

I know what day it is and it’s not the right day to be gullible.  Also, I know this blog is about homebrew and the occasional related topic.  That said, since this blog was started, I have made posts about how I fanboy at the idea of Science-Fantasy D&D!  Seriously, do a search, more than half of the posts on this blog are science-fantasy related!  Hell, I made my own adventure that I’ve also been recording for the D&D podcast I’m on (called FlumphCast, look us up!  We play D&D very drunkily!)  But, I digress.  Wizards of the Coast has earned my love back.  How, you may ask?  Through their next plot based adventure, of course!  So, breaking tradition a little, I wanna ramble about Wizards of the Coast’s next big announcement for the Fall 2017 super adventure!

For some context, I’ve grown to dislike the formula they’ve done since 5E’s launch and often felt alienated by it.  Organized Play bores me, the modules feel long winded and just don’t engage me, the organization in the adventures alone just boggles my mind at times.  Their use of the Forgotten Realms setting felt quite uninspired and bland to me, akin to how Greyhawk was handled during 3rd edition’s organized play.  But, enough ranting about the past, let’s focus on the future!  (Yes, that’s a pun.)

And by future, I mean indeed a Science Fantasy adventure!  And not just any is a source of inspiration, one of the greatest classics is!  I’m talking about Expedition to Barrier Peaks!  I mean, come on, they teased a chunk of it in Volo’s Guide to Monsters!  Many saw it coming!  It was likely cut from Tales of the Yawning Portal due to space, but it’s being fleshed out!  The hints here and there likely imply an alien invasion stemming from a crashed ship in what I can only guess will be either Icewind Dale or the Bloodstone regions.  On top of that, many tiers of play will involve the Xeno Threat as it brings chaos to parts of the Realms.  What’s this, Doc?  You’re ranting about Realms-Shattering Events and misuse of lore?  And here you are celebrating a literal alien invasion of the setting?  HAVE YOU GONE MAD?  Well, kinda.  I dunno, I just love this idea in any capacity and D&D doesn’t do it often enough… especially in recent years.  So, this is one instance that I’m willing to let this sort of things slide.  Plus, just look at the name of the event, “The Assault of Radiant Steel!”  It sounds more like a prog-rock song than a D&D adventure, but I don’t care!  That makes me love it even more!

Read onward for more information, including launch info!  WOOOOOO!

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Roguish Archetype – The Practical Joker

“Batter Up!”

A bane among their compatriots and a blessing all the same.  The Practical Joker is a master of mischief and mayhem.  Perhaps they’re creators of comedy, perhaps their sheer power of annoyance is a weapon all its own.  Either way, it’s not likely they’ll be trusted by many people and for good reason.

This isn’t to say these cheery pranksters are forces for antagonism.  On the other hand, many are quart jesters or comical folk in general.  Many travel around, hoping to bring amusement… usually at someone’s expense.  Assuming they have a sense of humor, they’re often in on the joke.  However, some practical jokers take their craft too far.  They become malicious, seeing downright sadistic acts as comical.  These people become feared as villains in their own right.

Author’s Note: The Muscle Wizard didn’t turn out how I had hoped.  It was a one shot joke based on a one shot joke anyway, so no harm done.  Also, this sub-class is built around the idea of manipulating enemies and making light of a situation.  This archetype is not intended for more serious games.  Likewise, this archetype shouldn’t be used as an excuse to troll your fellow players.  That’s a reason why Kender tend to be banned at a lot of tables.  Also, better late than never, right?

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Muscle Wizard – An Absurist Wizard School for D&D 5th Edition

No explanation needed

Some wizards are driven by specific arcane studies, while others want to augment an aspect of life or society through the powers of magic.  And then there’s others that want magic to augment their bodies in a unique way.  Some suggest the monks are driven to alter themselves through spiritual teachings.  Many mages have witnessed their teachings and have applied similar principles to magical study.  And thus, the “Muscle Wizard” was born.

To a Muscle Wizard, physical fitness is just as important as mastering arcane studies.  While they are not as enduring as warriors, the Muscle Wizard is just as extraordinary in their ability to dish out absolute physical punishment on top of magical craft.  Many go on to become mentors for those who wish to fuse martial prowess with arcane arts.  In fact, they’re among the first attempts at doing so.  However, their history likely goes back to trade lines between mageocratic settlements meeting with monks who ended up sharing disciplines, philosophies and spiritual teachings.  As the two concepts began to mingle, they merged into a style all their own.  While not as able to master spiritual disciplines of the self and not as able to master specific aspects of magic, this arcane school is more than happy to throw a magical fist in the face of anyone who dares to belittle it.


Author’s Note:  WE TAKE A BREAK FROM OUR GOTHIC THEME FOR AN IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN!  Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone!  As always, I love making absurdist and silly posts every year.  And by all means, this one is no exception.  Originally, I was creating a hybrid of the Fighter and Monk to create a more martial and less mystical brawler class for 5E.  Sadly, that idea fell apart.  A ways later, I decided to make a mock write up for the Muscle Wizard as a joke.  Somehow, the meme stuck and became this year’s April Fools post.  How about that?

That said, a word of warning.  This subclass was tinkered with on a whim, rather than made with absolute balance in mind.  Because of that, it might be a tad on the unbalanced side… a sort of beefed up Bladesinger if you will.  Needless to say, I might revisit this at some point and use it as inspiration.


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Grognard – An Old Guard Martial Path for D&D 5th Edition


You’ve slugged through countless battles, you’ve advised countless tactical maneuvers, maybe you’ve earned the trust of your superiors.  Needless to say, you’ve joined the ranks of a classical guard amidst the ranks of newcomers who are both inexperienced and ignorant.  During downtime, you may or may not be prone to lecturing the uneducated youth on how life, interests, and warfare were in your “prime time”.  At the very least, you grumble about how things were different back in the day.  Perhaps in your earlier years, you were the top of the academy and the best on the field, but some of that was lost from either falling out of practice or advancing in age.  And thus, you’ve returned to training once more.  However, your knowledge on old tactics can give you a leg up against these newfangled ideas and technologies.

Disclaimer:  I am both a consumer and avid fan of the OSR movement.  This sub-class is meant to be tongue-in-cheek at most and is not meant to be an insult towards fans of old school inspired gaming.  Also, I wanted to have a sub-class that had some bardic ability and warlord flavor as well.

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