Welcome to the Hall of Records. Surely, you have business, right? As well as rightful good means of being here. We’re quite busy, we don’t want free-lookin’ eyes peering and bobblin’ about! So, speak quick and have the right goods ready. Yer jink’s no good here, so don’t bother with that. As is, we’re in the midst of something rather heavy. Last thing we need is some busy-bustin’ basher bouncing about.
Author’s Note: This was fun, let’s do it again! Ravenscape crossover, Simpsons references, all sorts of strangeness.
A Letter on the Friendly Fiend door
Dear Humble Customers,
A’kin has gone on a rare holiday. I know that this must be dearly upsetting news, as the company and assistance of The Friendly Fiend is legendary. However, once in a while, the proprietor must be given some leeway and a break of sanity as well. Despite my origins, I assure you that my interests are merely in forms of leisure that do not cause harm or damage to others. I merely need to recuperate lost energies as well as find a means of avoiding the stress of The Cage for a brief period of time. And given the rising tensions and insecurities throughout, I advise that you do too, dear reader. We shall meet again in happier times, said times will arrive sooner than you think.
-A’Kin, owner of The Friendly Fiend
Pirates, why was it pirates? What absolute leather-head failed to secure that poncy kip of spelljamming barmies? And worse, why did the guvners let it happen too? They knew about the accursed place! It makes the blood boil, now the brigands and cads hide around the city to cause trouble. That bub house was always trouble and too many flimsy-backs just let them do as they well pleased. And now look at the consequences of these addle-coves! Looks like the Lady took on part of the bands’ leadership. But, bloods like that stop at nothing. My early jink-seeking days in Wildspace taught me all about that, vile curs raided and overtook my old vessel. Few crew members gave the dead book the laugh, and now such filth has entered our fair City O’ The Cage. Bah, it’s worse than normal. They ain’t a bunch of Clueless, or at least they have help. So much to investigate further into.
And even closing down that wretched club, the putrid and debouching primers still find their way in. Yes, more pirates! When they aren’t busy contending with the seedy underbelly of cross-trade, they fill up and pollute whatever bub house or snoring hole they can scrape. They’re rowdy, rambunctious, often bawdy. From raiding pantries to peeling jink by the bucket loads, they don’t know when to stop. This menace hasn’t been fully mazed yet, so it’s up to us to contend with them. We must contend with all of them. And the ones who do follow the laws, they’ll smear it in your face. The sheer loathing I feel for these barmy scoundrels and clueless rogues, it’s unfathomable, truly. I will approach my superiors and ask for more direct action, I tire of these louts, layabouts and larrikins. I saw one swinging like some jelly brained sod from a chandelier in The Black Sail Bah, pike it all!
(From the journal of a disgruntled Harmonium officer)
A Letter to a Past Me
Do not fear the man in front of you, he is a Chronomancer who did some temporal manipulation beyond the city. You’ve seen his Order before, I shall meet him in the future… Well, now I’ll meet him again. The reason is simple, ensuring that I do not fail in my future course of action. Know this, there are dread things of the dark happening within The Takers. It’s true that I wanted to join them as some point, and you might still have a slight desire to do so. Stow it or use it to infiltrate. Something deeply wrong is going on. Critics of the Factol have either been shushed or have gone all blanked, right out of thin air! His weird courting of the Factol of the Mercykillers is immensely disturbing as well. That one is barmy and hateful, but still a lass in her own respects. That lecherous old man has plans beyond some flowers and confections, but I suspect something more political. In a few peak cycles passing, he’ll visit the Hall of Records. Either start your training or get In The Shadows, even back then you were strong enough to face him. The lackeys close to him? Perhaps! But, pen him down fast and there’s hope for you continuing to me.
(found near the site of an attempted assassination on Factol Darkwood)
Death to Stag Turners
The Mercykiller does not care for those who forsake justice. Those of the Lawful Three have an oath. Break it and you break justice. Lately, some defectors have been seeded with means of tracking and surveillance, leading us to a “Sammy”; the menace who broke into the Prisons and escaped with his forces mostly in tact. He knows of the contraband, making this terrorist and his war bands the most deadly in Sigil. We are not known for out subtleties, but now is a time of covert response. The Fraternity has given sanction to snuff out and hunt down any connections to the terrorist, alive or preferably dead. And by all means, this includes those who have forsaken the Lawful Three. We cannot be swayed by sweet words of such people, promising to bring love, their glowing with fake passion. We shall not let them get away, crippling their legs if we have to. Show them no mercy, just as you show others that Justice shall not be weak.
(An eavesdropped discussion within The Prisons of Sigil)
MALAR SENDS HIS REGARDS
Grandmother Grimcloak, you were once one of my dearest allies. No, a friend. You were foolish to try to wrestle power from me. The Sphere of Entropy belongs to those who truly understand it. I know your new lupin friends certainly don’t. Don’t worry, you won’t find anyone here. The moment we heard that you were revealed to authorities, we knew the time was numbered. So, time to pay the music and set sails through the planes. We aren’t done here, you’ve drawn the ire of our magnificent lord of beasts. It wasn’t this Sammy who brought many of your own down, Hardheads, it was us! Though, the forces of this barmy rebel proved to be delicious. But, after our grief from the lot of you, business will return as it has before. And from there, divine rites will continue as they have before. Trust us, we have our ways of changing memories. And should that not work, beware of fakes among your own ranks. As I have said, we have been made aware for a long time.
Onto more immediate matters. Do you want to continue your investigation into the planes? By all means, seek out the doorway through the bar and into the kitchen. A pantry lifts up to reveal a secret entrance into a second basement. It contains contraband bub, spices and more. The real keeper are the bones and chalk used to ready the gateway into Carceri. Follow it right and you gain entry into Malar’s divine realm of the hunt! Come and find us, we assure that your time will be a struggle for survival. While we are not as accustom to the City of Doors as you, this realm is the realm where we thrive. We graciously look forward to hunting all of you. Don’t think of funneling your lawmen by the droves here either. We have a failsafe for that. Just you wait. Also, Grimcloak, don’t join them if you value your final days. We’ll happily tear our your heart and offer it in tribute as a means of paying off the disgrace you’ve brought upon us. But, please allow us to bash in those wretched lupins. We hate them so much.
(On the door of The Ritual of the Heart, otherwise an empty building devoid of anyone.)
The Dead Nations Council has received word from our magnificent Silent King. He has declared for Kryptakreig against the Cranium Rats. Our bravest warriors will be aided by the likes of unlikely allies. They have been assessed and vetted, coming to the conclusion that our goals can collide for now. The first are akin to us, vampires. However, they are interested in the fluids of the brain. Being undead, we cannot supply active fluids to feed them. However, they savor the thought of feasting upon our enemy. Our mutual unliving nature grants a level of kinship. They are still welcome within our grounds, as they too are beyond the grave. The other is more curious, creatures called “Trickster Beasts”. These entities are spiritual, but still living beings. To denizens of the Prime, they are Beastweres. Among the most common are the so-called Wolfweres. Beyond the Prime, their origins are a mystery. But, some within their own ranks have met with generals to scratch out an agreement and battle plans. Their focus is on wererats, but they have agreed to aid against Many-as-One and their Cranium Rat armies. They are not to be permitted into our grounds, unless they submit to ghoulification, leading to the so-called “ghoul beasts”, a similar undead based creature.
(A recorded speech of Hargrimm the Bleak, Priest of the Dead Nation)
That wretched upstart!
Who does she think she is? Does she know who she trifles with!? A pretender to the mightiest force for trade and more within the cage. She is a mere pawn, a play thing that will bend to my will in the end. I am the true figure of celebrity and status within the city, she is just a fading star. What does she know beyond vapid personal pursuits and vanity? Nothing! And even then, I know personal joys and beauty far better, for I have lived here for countless ages. Her style shows travel, but it is obvious that she has been confined to the Prime for too long. While her ability to take forms mirrors that of a fiend, I know she is not one. I know there is little reason to fear her, as my associates have learned that she knows genuinely little on the Lower Planes. Fortune has rewarded me there, as it well should. Her taste in dresses is adequate, a lower standard from mine. But, the absurd shrubbery upon her head, what is it? It’s comically hideous! If she didn’t take pride in something so disgusting, it would be a subject of hilarity.
So, what to do with her? Competition when it comes to my look, my sense of being, my brand to take from the guildhall ward; dangerous. All of that is potentially quite bad. Immediate disposal would drag too much negative attention. Perhaps use of the Chant through some woven fake spit words could help tarnish any good faith and good hope the public holds. But, how to bring ruination. Expose some fake dark and drag her through it? That could be good, but how to go about it… Good thoughts to ponder. In the meantime, perhaps some misdirection and framing is in order. I can’t fall off the top of my game. No upstart will upstage. It simply won’t happen. Now, daily preening is in order. I must look my best when attending the humiliation of another. After all, how else can I properly gloat at the misfortune and suffering of the lesser? The demise of an enemy is a celebration, and I shall happily attend it at my best. And to do so, one must look the part. There’s more to glamor than self-indulgence. It’s also about telling those around you that you are above them. Also, wretched pretender, I know what you are! Doppelganger!
(From Shemeshka’s private journal)
NO WORK UNTIL JUSTICE!
All of my fellow members saw it, the wicked explosion that destroyed our wondrous Dream Chasing Device. The Believers of the Source were attacked, targeted even! So many of our faction members are robbed of their chance to express and advance themselves. Unless their souls return to The Cage, how will they achieve perfection and aspire for something greater? They were robbed of their magnificent goals, all over some vile and petty villain who infiltrated our ranks for diabolical pursuits… perhaps literally! We reach out to the wider community, hear our calls to action and respond! Even if you doubt our core beliefs, show support in a call for justice! At risk of the faction itself, several like me have taken temporary distance from the Foundry in an effort to focus on stopping (and possibly ending) the source of these miseries. The Great Foundry is just the latest in several attacks upon our Hub of Countless Doorways. We must keep our city clean and whole.
How can you get involved with us? Consult authorities and report any suspicious behavior. Many of these untrustworthy characters enjoy hording and sneaking strange goods, especially components for explosives. Likewise, records on them are rather scarce, as they distance themselves from the lot of Sigil as a whole. Many likely belong to the terrorist organization known as The Revolutionary League, a group disguised as a Faction. We can’t prove it, but we’ll have our ways of finding out soon enough. More than likely, the new Anarchists who have emerged are the cause, all because of meddling Primers who stick their heads into matters they don’t understand. Many evil forces wish to bring war back to Sigil, we cannot let them. Help us unite to bring stability and an equal ground back to the Cage once more. Until then, no work until justice! The goods from our forges will flow slower, the services we offer will be shut. We wait until proper help arrives.
(From pamphlets found around the Lower Ward)
Revolutionize Travel! Invest in the Lightning Rail!
Guvners, Godsmen, Takers, others of interest too! Do read, for I have quite the proposal for you! Now, what wonders would this entail? Surely some elaborate contraption or some arcane incantation? In a manner of speaking, yes to both! Thanks to the wonders of Artifice from the master minds at House Cannith, a wonder awaits within the City of Doors. You shake and shutter in antici-pation… But, what is it? Oh fair reader, I must inform you. It is the mighty and majestic Lightning Rail! Ah, now you are enticed! No? By all means, I would be in the wrong to not tell you all you need to know. This is the transportation option of the future, particularly the future of The Cage! Imagine cargo shuttled in brisk moments, from one stop to the next. All one needs to do is unload at the next station. And for riders, the experience is pleasurable, allowing one to forget that they are in a new form of the sudan cart but. Instead, it feels like a floating metal cloud carrying you to where you need to be.
So, let us break matters on these arcane engines down, shall we? But of course! Let’s begin. The Lightning Rail is a series of linked carriages, empowered by elemental engines. Runic stones places along the pathway help to navigate these carriages along to path, often with heavily efficient speed. Along the track the lightning trains go, carrying freight and cagers alike! Picture such a wonderful sight, right at home within this fair city. I am happy to elaborate on more in depth engineering and tight magical focus, as an expert on both. But, don’t just call me another arcane engineer, please call me Malton Feldromm, son of the great hero Seidyelik Feldromn. I hail from the proud land of Cyre, the path to unity within the world of Eberron. I have been many places, friends. Even the planes beyond, the planes beyond my planes! Even demiplanes, where I have overseen my house’s ideas come to life. The Zherisian Railway has its roots with House Cannith ideas, after all! I have much in documentation and information, should that be requested as well. In fact, my seal of approval from an esteemed Mage-King should be all telling too. So, what say you all? Shall we start moving forward?
(Documentation scribed from the Hall of Speakers)
Released from Prison of Fog!
Freedom, I have achieved it past any measure. I am free. How? No more strange balmy fogs wrap upon me. The foul Ultroloth, the Mage henchman, neither mean anything to me now. Their experiments succeeded beyond expectation, allowing me to be away from their grim demiplane. But, such taboo knowledge I carry. These are the things that must be offered through service and coin. Olden days within the Fated taught me well and Taker I shall be again. The dialects of the Misty Cage differed from those of here, but I much preferred them over the pompous tongue of this cage. No matter, much to say and much to sell. Catalogue my thoughts, I shall do this first. But, where to begin?
For starting out, the Artificer of Darkon was another prisoner like myself! Some call me opportunist, but a swindler he was until his usefulness left him. This Azalin Wizard, he has no patience for such lowly types. At least I carry knowledge and that of the planes! So called helpful crafter of Cyre, beh! What was his dreck, Monorail? I don’t care, I just imagine a fool prattling around, living in a mansion he doesn’t deserve, abusing those who find him endearing and abandoning all safety protocol. No hard work ethic, no sense of satisfaction, just a lazy grifter. Though, no worse than the parody city under the statue of a Daemon God. Nothing in Sigil tops this, save for the Slags of the Hive… and the wreckage on top. Now, lots of worrying Mist things can be found in the cage, certainly not good. So-called Kargatane walking around, alongside vampires from the Asylum of a Dr. Dom… Dominick or something, speak of Zherisian steel and doppelgangers. Lots of strange things. The planes fix their issues and mend, as they always do. The Mad Wizard King’s mess shall be fixed in time, the mess of the Lich Quasi-God is still being worked on. Paradoxes, the dreaded Paradoxes. Worse than Shadows, so many shadows. Worse than Fraternity of Shadows… and now shadows down below, speak of balance. Are they related? I am too haunted by shadows.
None bring shivers like one, the bard. Strange and terrible bard, not evil, just uncanny. I saw him tortured and brutalized by the dark mage and his cohorts. The Tanar’ri was rather bad, as all tend to be. I guess he found his way back too! Though, now covered in fuzz with a tail. The Planes bring mysteries. But still, cheerfully unaware, he sells books and chronicles planar adventures. I don’t like this. Should I sell my knowledge, I think he brain would melt and seep out of his now pointy ears. A most bad idea, I can sense it. Best to avoid him, maybe speak to other greybeards, warn them and get good jink too of course. But, now I rest. Boundless Cage University will hear me soon. Afterpeak tells me to sleep, a new day shall inform my decisions! I shall scare the Centrists with true Dark. But, they need it. Now, the mind readies.
(A bloodstained journal page found in the Realm Below, in a box labeled “TOP SECRET PROPERTY, No Opening Without Clearance”)
A Murderer’s Message
Ha, you fools! You cannot catch me! You’ve tried, you’ve failed, you don’t even know who I truly am! The bodies will continue to fall, as I slip through your fingers. I’ll give you the laugh as often as I need to, you berks can keep trying. What are my motives? A mystery! A novel onto its own! My victims will still be random in your own eyes, I doubt you’ll ever fully comprehend! But, to humor you, let us break down the list of victims:
- Moonlight Scream, the Unseelie Sidhe (She’ll be back anyway)
- Finsk Rappapart, Human Merchant & Fated member
- Gyrla Mork, Troll from Ysgard
- Urraaaagh, Dwarf Warrior & Xaositect member
- Ulgo Modundga, Human Priest & Temple Scholar
- Arsene, Lupin Thief & Society of Sensation member
- Several students in Boundless Cage University
What can you gather from that? None of these Cagers knew each other, they just were. They lived in their kips, did their grinds daily, used the jink they had… and then I show up! In the dead-book, they’re penned! You know I have enough ego to brag to the lowly clods who proclaim to patrol the City of Doors. But, I only do this because I know they’ll fail yet again, as they have before. I mock and scorn you, for all of you fail at your jobs. You know one thing, The Venom Tongue Slasher is bound to claim someone soon.
(A slapdash letter composed of clipped letters and symbols, assembled together)
IMAGE CREDIT: sawtoothedglaive – Renqual in the Friendly Fiend; TSR – Spelljammer Races; Alan Pollack – Chronomancer; Flick the Thief – Mercykiller; unknown – Symbol of Malar; TSR/Interplay – Hargrimm the Bleak; Nanihoo – Shemeshka the Marauder; DeTerlizzi – Great Foundry; Wayne A Reynolds – Eberron; Daarkenart – Curse of Fool’s Wisdom; unknown – Jack the Ripper